The Bikram Bachelorette

So, it is almost February.  Those cute little candy hearts are already in every grocery store in every town every where.  This year I was expecting Valentine’s Day to not really phase me that much.  I have a hair appointment that day and that is all I need.  No worries, right?

Wrong.

I have already been thrown off track — and I might add that it is still January –by none other than Bikram.  A few nights ago, I went to the front desk to order my ice pack for the end of class.  I looked down and there it was.  A clip board with a pink foofy paper attached to it where you are supposed to nominate “your favorite yoga couple”.  It was a page full of blank lines like this “________ and __________”.  All the way down the page.  I looked at it for a minute and thought to myself “Caryn and __________”.  Do I really get to fill in the blank?  I can pick anyone I want?  Caryn and Dante?  Caryn and Jesse?  Caryn and Dave?  Caryn and Neil?  Caryn and Kirk? Caryn and George Clooney?

I imagine myself as the Bikram Bachelorette.  Handsome, half- naked men, all competing for my affection.  The guys sitting around in the yoga room with their water bottles discussing who has a better…camel pose.  All feeling more than a little threatened by the unforeseeable twist of George Clooney’s surprising appearance in the yoga room.  One trying to hold back his tears.  One trying not to punch George Clooney in the face.  All waiting for my stunning appearance in a sequined yoga outfit and matching ribbons tied alluringly on my pony tails to render my decision and hand out the lavender roses.  This is going to be amazing! 

Snapping back to reality, I quickly realized this is not what it could possibly mean.  Bikram has helped me solve a lot of my problems but he probably can’t help me with this one.  I let out an audible sigh as the car door slowly shut on my soul.  Cute Andrea at the front desk said, “I know.”   “But what does it…?”  “I don’t know.”  “So you….?”  “I don’t know.”  “Ok.  Can I have an ice pack after class?” 

One of my favorite songs from the amazing band Hollywood Undead runs through my head the rest of class.  “Oh woe is me, woe is me, I think I need love…”  “Caryn and Hollywood Undead”?

So now when I sign myself in the sheet is there.  It remains blank.  There has not been an explanation offered but I am sure there is one forthcoming.  And I’m pretty sure it means, which of the many adorable and perfectly sculpted and tanned couples will be named Bikram’s Yoga Couple of the Month.  To, me they are all deserving of such an honor.  In my opinion anyone who can stand next to the man they love in a hot room for 90 minutes and not beat him to death with their water bottle is a better woman than I. 

I was watching Moonstruck while writing this.  Although this is kind of unrelated it kind of sums up my feelings these days.  “Caryn and Nicholas Cage”?  Perhaps…

Ronny Cammareri: Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is,

  and I didnt know this either, but love dont make things nice – it

  ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We

  arent here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The

  stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves

  and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The

  storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me

  and *get* in my bed!

Don’t you just love him so much?

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